The Art Within
MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY
Quick Summary
Just all about ME, how I live and the people who brought COLORS to my life.
I have never actually done anything like this, and I really want to.
I am starting this with a SMILE on my face.
Introduction
Emilette, some call me Ems, Milet and Emi. At home, I am Neng and for my father, Bantsing. I know that is a corny start. Let me try again.
I’m Emilette Cabrera for 29 years and counting while writing this, the youngest child of Angeles and Estelita, my mother said they got my name by combining their nicknames Jimmy and Lita. They were thinking of naming me Angelita first and I am so glad they did not as that name sounds like a name for a girl who is always well behaved. My name now, I know sounds like omelette, but I like it better. It is pretty, it suits me, and I just must praise and embrace my own name haha. Oh no, this seemed so long already, and it is just about my name.
Eleventh of April 1991, Thursday evening, I was born in this world at the peak of summertime back home in the Philippines. To make this interesting, before I came out, my parents had no clue of what my gender is because my mother didn’t have an ultrasound and both of them are praying so hard to have a baby girl since they already have three boys, that's right I have three chaotic but fun big brothers. So, when I came out, it was a surprise and it made them so happy, their prayers have been answered, my father was crying and jumping out of joy outside the delivery room. I was crying too but for different reasons haha, I was hungry, I wanted milk, felt cold and dirty, covered in blood and all. Anyway, that was the start of my existence.
Early Life
This part is going to be a bit dramatic, but this is really a significant part of my life. I was just three years old living with my grandma because some days she wanted to take care of me and help my parents so they could focus more on family business, same goes with my brothers before. My grandfather already passed away at this time but he was able to see me and hug me and carry me when I was a baby, a very loving man as my mother always described him, I could not remember him but I saw our pictures together. To continue my story, the only thing I could remember is seeing big basins of water in the laundry area which later on my grandma used to wash clothes manually, and I swam at them haha maybe because I love swimming and I felt hot. From this point on, my mother told me everything, as I really had no idea what happened afterwards.
After swimming, my aunt and grandma cleaned and dressed me, took me with them to attend a night mass. My aunt was carrying me on her lap sitting. Suddenly, I started to shiver. I was having seizures then quickly became cold and pale and my eyes were shutting down. They panicked as expected, immediately called for help and my parents were on their way to see me. They arrived and took me to the nearest emergency department, a nurse and a doctor on duty, their assessment was I have a very slim chance to survive. My parents were devastated. They wanted to argue but time was of the essence. Therefore, they just took me to another hospital and unfortunately, they responded the same and said that there was a 50/50 chance I would make it.
At this point, my parents are feeling that their lives were being taken from them too, losing their only baby girl so soon. They decided to take me to church, sobbing and praying hard, the priest there happened to see them and looked at me. He advised them to take me to Infant Jesus Hospital as that hospital might accept me and just try it and they did. It was a bit far and they encountered traffic along the way, so they got out of the car and carried me and ran in the middle of the road just to reach that place. There, nurses and doctors assessed me and after a few minutes, one of the doctors called their consultant, like the senior doctor. Then a big and tall man went down from the upper floor, in his pajamas and assessed me, checked my reflexes, now I am getting emotional typing this, he just pinned a small hammer reflex on my knee and my leg jerked a bit. They admitted me. Two doctors and three nurses were with him and they all carried me to the ICU. My parents cannot enter, my mother just remembered seeing they were attaching wires and sticking small pads to my head and body and they inserted an IV line to give me fluids. She could see what is happening from the door window. The consultant injected a medicine to me, and they monitored my vital signs and brain activity. After an hour, the consultant came out and talked to my parents. All she remembers from their conversation is I should be awake this morning and if not, they were going to do more tests and it sounded to her like it was going to be more complicated. At this time, all my brothers and my aunts were present. I was transferred to a private room next to the ICU. My family were able to sleep in the room with me.
Daylight came and it was eight o’clock in the morning and with God's grace, I woke up. My mother was there beside me and she said my first words were "Ma, I'm hungry" hahaha; my mother hurriedly gave me my favorite biscuits. All of them became so happy that they gave me everything I wanted like my favorite toys and pillows. To fully recover I stayed for five days. During my recovery period, my doctor asked my mother to consent because they wanted to get a fluid sample from my spine for more tests, but my mother refused as the procedure could paralyze me. She also remembered there were moments that I was seen by a couple of medicine students who somehow looked like they were observing my condition. My mother cried while telling me this story because she remembers how she was holding on and believing I will live and that was the first time she saw my father lose himself because he might lose me. Now, I am here, living the best life out of their love, I thank God.
Education and everything that goes with it
Elementary
Kindergarten, my school was just walking distance away from home and my mother always accompanied me. I even remember my favorite snack every day, a biscuit called hello along with fruit juice for my drink. The highlight of this time is probably when I joined a little miss-learning star. I had to wear a red gown, and my opponents were all wearing white and escorted by my third brother, I went on a parade around the town riding my father’s truck. It was memorable because I had to recite a very long and deep poem for my talent because each has to show one to win and every night, I practiced at home that my brothers almost memorized the same poem too haha. My mother hired a videographer to cover the whole event and me. Watching that video when I got older made me feel so embarrassed, by the way, I won the best in costume and best in talent awards and got to be the first runner up. The winner, my mother said, had more solicits and donations to school haha. When I recited, my grandma was there to watch, and she cried while listening to me as she was so happy I recovered in the hospital and became healthy to still see me grow up. Finally, on graduation day, I recited a poem again about mother’s love and got the top two awards of the class. I had mumps too, in this year and was absent for a few days and had a picture of me with my puffed cheek at home hahaha. I must say I was a very happy five-year-old kid.
my teacher said we must not wear red gown haha just kidding
SA MABINING HIHIP NG HANGING SARIWA, LAMIG AY HAPLOS NA DUMANTAY SA MUKHA
that’s the first line of my poem, my mother placed the copy of this long poem in a photo album
Grade one to grade three, went to another school, Holy Grail Academy with my cousin/best friend Marianne. We compete, wanting to be ahead in class ranks even though she is ahead of me by one year. I could not believe I was a part of a dance group, that is right, at some point in my life, I knew how to dance and seeing my pictures of me dancing made me laugh. My brothers, I remember, always teased me with one boy in my class, Ernesto. I did not have a crush on him, but I had my first crush at this time, Ramil, not handsome but he was the top one. I never reached the first rank, but I was in the top three for those three years. Grade four to grade six, I transferred to another school since my previous school only offered education up to grade three, anyway, I had to. I went to study into Child Jesus College, my cousin went to a different school, and we parted ways. Here, I met my first classmates who became my friends until now since we are neighbors and we have many memories together, Dessa and Daphne. I know they would agree when I say, they were not the favorite of the teachers and they were not that serious in their studies, always having fun after school but never really having any serious trouble. We were very close, three of us; we spent time at each other’s home. It is still a mystery that I was the top 5 in fourth grade and became the first in class for my fifth and final year in elementary. I graduated as the Valedictorian, gave a speech that I found so boring, I did not want to do it. Anyway, my fondest memory of my time in this school was for the first time, I joined poster making and slogan making contests that made me so happy that I enjoyed every minute of it and yes, I got first place for both contests. I just remembered joining the United Nations contest and got to be Ms. Argentina, had to wear a gown again, my teacher made me haha. I had fun in elementary life, thanks to the people I mentioned.
High school
Here comes the big adjustment for me, high school, this time is just unique for me. I learned so much and experienced things that made me realize I am not a kid anymore, happy and sad at the same time. My mother decided to transfer me to Sacred Heart Academy, this school has a good reputation when it comes to secondary education and I had to part ways from my friends since they stayed in my previous school. I must say, it developed me mentally and emotionally, seeing many smart, talented, gifted students and it was a huge school too with a big gymnasium and just much more advanced. Every day, my father took me to school by car since it was a bit far compared to my elementary school. First year, I must mention this girl, Jessamin, my close and funny friend. I remember her and Ariel, three of us having a good laugh every break and then they surprised me because in our quizzes and tests, their scores were always high, especially her and they never appeared nerds to me, having great sense of humor. My scores are just all right, average compared to them. Then I had to adjust, I studied but adapted to being relaxed and funny during breaks. I admired them, especially Jessamin for being so humble. Two of us joined women’s volleyball just to skip classes because we were not good at playing it. This is the time I knew how awesome intelligence is. It is not about papers, scores and grades. It is overall for me. Being intelligent means knowing when to have fun and enjoy life with friends while learning.
Speaking of having friends, I met Michelle and Rovykate the next year. The principal decided to reshuffle the students every year and the students were divided into seven sections . This is when I experienced being so valued as a friend. These two girls are still my friends and I kept their long and creative letters to me. They have touched my heart so much and I really think what is so special about it is while reading their letters, I was surprised that they see me as a best friend. I am cold and insensitive, realizing someone’s admiration late actually until now, unless a person tells me, I would never know how deep it is. I loved these girls really until our last year in high school. One of them even put meaning to each letter of my name in her letter.
Love for movies, I started appreciating them at this time. I had one friend Dian who I would always meet after class. We have the same year in class, but we were in different sections, anyway we were going in the same direction going home. She was the one who patiently waited for me as I went to the video city where I rent movies to watch at home. I would rent a maximum of five movies each day. I even saved my allowance so I can buy a DVD player, that is how I love watching movies. My whole family watches movies a lot already before me especially my mother, my brothers and I got it from her.
Puppy love, just young and fun love anyway. It started during my second year. Julio, he was always my seatmate and he thought we were soulmates because each quarter we had to draw lots and change seating arrangements and it just happened that we always picked each other’s names. I never saw him as a crush, maybe because I always see him, as I had no choice, it developed into a crush. He was nice, teaching me lessons I found hard. Offering me pen and paper and I must say he had a cute smile; it is hard not to remember. I watched him play basketball; he is not that good at it. I will just say, it is cute time.
I graduated top 28 out of all sections, I never reached top 10 because as I said many geniuses in this school. However, the highlight of my high school life for me is understanding art deeper. This school had a huge library, and I went there not to study really, I just wanted to use my library card. That’s where I saw the Harry Potter book, did not read it, but opened a book about famous artists, of course all knows Da Vinci ‘s Mona Lisa, Van Gogh’s self-portrait taking his ear out, Edward Munch’s scream. I particularly remembered Edward’s description of what art to him is, we have the same idea, I completely agree. No, I was not really the one who draws a lot like my classmates, as there were many great artists in my section. I just appreciated the value of art so much as I am sure many people do. Different forms of art but the most important thing is how the art made the artist feel. Oftentimes, I draw because of art subjects, assignments and projects and I just happen to have high scores all the time, my art teacher got our works too sadly. Rarely do I draw at home, but it makes me happy every time, it is a form of expression. I remembered loving Greek mythology too and I have a favorite teacher, Imelda, the only teacher I am friends with on Facebook, she is blessed, and she deserved it. High school made my world brighter and much bigger.
I do not have copy of my pictures in high school online but I do have some in my wallet back home. Honestly I was shy to camera at this teenage, life changing time. Most of my pictures are with my friends and there is no facebook to post all of these yet and that is a good thing somehow haha.
College
Then goes college life. Another important chapter of my life because the people I met at this time; I treasure forever. I had to go enter a University, everyone dreams of being in one. Fortunately, my parents afforded my education in Far Eastern University. For my course, I chose nursing happily for two reasons, first, any will do and second, it is very in demand abroad, moneywise it is practical. Later, I learned the meaning of nursing and I realized how hard and fulfilling it is, noble is really a fitting word to describe it.
More than the classes, training, lessons and clinical duties. I met my sister/best friends for life that I feel so blessed every day. Arabela, could not thank this girl enough for kindness she showed me, and still showing me. At first, I did not see her as a friend, just a normal classmate liking and commenting on my pictures on social media, just kidding according to her she was just gathering ideas for her upcoming 18th birthday as well. I just knew her in my third year. Eventually, we got so close that we slept in each other’s house, had a dog named after our names, and we bathed together. She is my sister forever, I am going to see her soon in Europe, we have so many memories together, and I could not really write all of them. Hermie, my most consistent friend, like no matter what, we are going to be there for each other, from first year college until now. She cannot drink coffee due to medical reasons and I love coffee so she will just have juice when we go out. We were there for each at the most significant times of our lives; I was in their house when the board exam results came out. Sometimes I really feel I do not deserve them; true friendships are rare. By the way, two of them are just friends, my family knows them, and I know theirs, until now.
I remember drawing sometime at home to relax my mind. I also learned how to play guitar when I was 16 years old. Every summer, I would swim at the beach or at the pool near us and I love summertime because my birthday is during this time. Of course, I still watch movies.
My 18th birthday, I was in my third year. I must mention this because I know it is embarrassing but I cried at the end of that party giving a speech, the part when I thanked my parents. It was so memorable to me seeing all my family from my mother and father side. I danced with my father first and then my brothers for my 18 roses. My classmates too even though we have a class and exam the following morning, they came and were all there dressed up and danced with me. I did not like getting praises, but they still said those things to me before dancing. I had to wear two gowns, the second one is better. Then came the 18 gifts, treasures, and I just love that they came for me. I saw the surprise video message from my parents, I started to feel like crying at that point, but I held it. My father sang a song to me in the middle of the celebration, it did not look like he was lip-syncing, but he was. Romance in college, just a fun admiration but never anything serious. I was never interested, and I was so happy with the friendships I gained. This time is a treasure to me.
After graduation, we now must take the board exam. We allot time to review for this one. Back then, I was very lazy to study at home because I always think there was no need as we already reviewed at school, my brain needed breaks too. During classes by the way I always go out and just go down to the lobby, get a coffee from the vending machine and stay there because I was so bored inside the classroom. For the first time, I slept in one class for a few minutes, but I was sitting in the corner way back, so the professor did not notice. I was a lazy student, but I did not fail any test. All the students in our school passed the board and got our nursing licenses in 2011.
Before I proceed to my nursing career, I would like to have a part for my family who shaped my life and my values, who loves me unconditionally. I thank God for being a part of them.
Family
I will start with my mother, Estelita, Lita most call her, but she is my best friend from the time I was born. My angel, my strength, the only one who can make me laugh to tears and I am the only one that can make her too. See, I am already emotional typing this; she is my weakness in a good way because I would do anything to make her happy for the rest of her life and my father too. Selfless person that I could not even think I could do all the good things she did and still doing, she is too kind, all the sacrifices that she made, and I will never match her love for my brothers and me. Every time, she thinks of us first, gives us everything we want and needs first even though she does not have anything for herself, if we are good, she is happy and content. She is very simple, and her happiness is giving us a good life. The simplicity, I must have got it from her and the love for movies, she recommended Philadelphia and Chicago to me, and from there I started watching movies nonstop. A happy person with a great sense of humor and a great cook, my hero.
My father, Angeles, to most he’s Jimmy, my friend, who always makes me feel special every day, composed songs for me. He has a song for me going to school and a song for me going to sleep. He even gave me a nickname, he calls me bantsing until now, he loves old music and loves making us laugh. He was strict to my brothers before I was born but it is also because my brothers are so naughty being boys and all. I never have to demand anything from him, he never once scolded me, maybe had to remind me as I can get annoying too, but he never got angry with me. We jog every morning from high school up until college and working as a nurse. He would wake me up so early in the morning and, I would say ‘Pa, I'll go next time” and then later I will feel sorry I did not go with him haha. It was because I slept late, and I wanted to sleep more. He loves jogging with me maybe because I am his only girl and we get to bond. My angel and my hero too, I promise to make him happy together with my mom, help them stay healthy as they raised and cared for us with everything they got.
Both gave their best. My mother is the third out of thirteen siblings and they struggled to survive. She needed to live with her aunt to continue her studies and because my grandaunt could support her financially, but she just managed to finish one year in college since she wanted to work as soon as possible. She worked as a secretary in a linen factory. She shared to me her experiences growing up. She would sell food in the market, outside her school to have allowance every day. When she was young at home with her parents, they always divided and shared food so that it would fit, as there were a lot of them. She grew up living a hard life, but she managed, and she did a fantastic job, raising us just to give us a much better life than hers. She did not want us to experience the life she had, that is why I admire her so much. My father, on the other hand, was not able to study college. He is the eldest of fourteen children. Living in the province, fishing and farming are the way to live at their place. However, my father did not want to stay living that way then he left and moved to the city. There, he had many jobs; he became a cleaner, a janitor. Then later promoted to be a waiter in the same hotel. One night there was an event in that hotel, which was the time she saw my mother. They happen to have mutual friends too and both have the same province. They got along easily and eventually they got married. They struggled a lot starting a family, but they never once gave up, always looked for ways to survive. My father decided to start a bakery business. It bloomed; the bakery has good income that they were able to provide for our food and education. My father would prepare and mix the flour and flavors at night and my mother would wake up so early to bake them in the oven. They also tried selling tank gasolines, which later became stable as well and they were to buy a motorcycle so that it will be easier to deliver to different stores. My mother also sold small goods such as newspapers, brooms, charcoal and aside from the bakery, they started a small store. From all these, they treated us, and we were able to travel, we get to eat outside every weekend, going to church every Sunday. They afforded to have a car and most importantly, they have given us a stable life. Now, I ‘m so thankful that I always want to keep them happy and healthy and proud as they grow old. They say they are so proud of us every time, but I must give my best still for them. Love these two so much.
My brothers, I will start with the eldest, Alfred, what is unique about him is he thinks he is always right just kidding maybe because he is the eldest. I hope that he will not read this, but he is a bit of a show off and likes to tease others but when he is teased back, he gets upset easily, my other brothers would agree with me I am sure. But despite all that, he is selfless, and always helps us and at some point, he stopped college for one year just to help our parents with their budget because he did not want his siblings to stop studying at that time so he chose to give up a year. As the youngest, I am sure that most arguments I have had are with him because I reason a lot and he does not want that. However, we are good, and he loves me. My second brother Arnel, he is the biggest, but he went on a diet and he is the one who guided me when I traveled and worked in New Zealand as he came first. As a brother, supportive and loving really but all of them are. Even though he does not say, I could really feel his concern every time, always teasing me too but its ok, I tease him back. I had the longest fight with him, when I was in high school, I remember just losing my patience and not wanting to see him as he always scolded me at little things. Then, he cried and realized he was wrong, and we are good again, he loves me. Last but not the least, my third brother, Aldrin, who I could say, closest to me, is the most patient with me out of the three. I annoy him but I can really get away with anything to him. His happiness is like that of a child until now, eating his favorite food that we all know and watching his favorite sports and players. We have the most bonding moments. I became a fan of wrestling because of him. We argue too but I always win because he lets me. He loves me.
To describe all of them, they love teasing me and they always think they are handsome; it is embarrassing as they are not haha. They love basketball and ufc just like my father. They watch all sorts, series and movies, documentaries and sports especially. I hate to admit it, but they have a great sense of humor and that I am proud to have them as my brothers. They are all married now and have kids on their own and that is what made me love them even more.
My beautiful sisters-in-law, ate Vi, ate Tin, and ate She inside and out. They made our family stronger and definitely happier. Family is a lifetime gift because of them. My nieces and nephews gave me so much happiness; I love and enjoy being an aunt. Marvelle, Lavinia, Angelo and Arki gave me a chance to see an angel grow and they will always have my support no matter what, I am here for all of them. I thank them so much for the love. Eventually I will have angels on my own and I will have them play with their cousins every day. This family is a blessing and I am always going to feel blessed knowing I am part of this.
Mama Tere and Papa Doro, our mother and father in another house. These lovely neighbors treated us like their own children, especially me. I will forever treasure them, I remember them putting me to sleep in the hammock they made, treating my wounds, assisting me in my tooth removal, giving me food and taking care of me until I grow up. They helped my mum and dad as they are too busy sometimes because of our bakery and other businesses. I love them so much. Aling Greg as well, whom I sang my first Christmas Carol to and whom I asked for coffee for breakfast when I was 5 haha. Memories with them are so special.
Nursing
Challenging. I will start with that. This career will test your limits and provide you knowledge about the real world and most importantly, it deals with human lives. Many describe this as a noble job; well it truly is. Experience and see a life span from womb to tomb. I have learned lessons in life that you would never find in books. It opened my eyes, I understood life to the fullest, and I am sure the same with all the nurses in the world. I just want to share and just explain how it is through different aspects of life.
Emotionally. It is tough. You will witness death and see all forms of needs. It is inevitable. I have cried by myself, kept extreme sadness and pain on my own since you must appear strong always on the job. Based on my experience, this is the hardest part.
On the other hand, you will be able to save lives and that is priceless. It will make you understand your purpose in life not just as a nurse but also as a human. That anyone could be proud of this achievement. I am not just talking about the medical part of it but the care, contributing something positive to other people’s lives. It could just be a simple greeting every day, assurance that you will be with them and help them in any shift (morning, pm and nights). What will really make you happy is the response, the result of your good deed. I am getting a bit emotional now haha. You will see the difference in them, and you are part of their improvement, healing and happiness. You may not know these people like you know your family, but you have given them your kindness, time, care and help. It is fulfilling.
Physically. Shifting schedules, no holidays, no weekends off. Get ready for sleepless days and nights. Exhausting but you are not alone. In this part, I always appreciate my colleagues because I feel strong sharing with them the misery just kidding. There are different fields of nursing though, if you are working in a clinic and any other outpatient department, you can enjoy weekends and sleep well at nighttime. However, most have experience having different shifts. Workload falls into this, Philippines unfortunately are not compensating nurses well instead they overworked and under appreciated them, until now it is a problem. The number of patients per one nurse are not ideal back home. Bladder of steel, I have experienced holding my pee being too busy. Weak legs and painful feet, I was walking and standing, giving medications and care to people for my whole 8-hour shift, I had this after work, and I am still experiencing this. Dark eyes and eye bags as changing shifts and adjusting sleeping patterns is hard. I would say if you are a new nurse, this part will be tough, and it will take time for you to adjust. However, the best part in this, your presence, your care, your dedication. It will motivate you to work as your presence save a life.
Mentally. Studying for four years, passing the board exam unfortunately is not enough. You will learn more and continue learning while working as a nurse. Time management, documentation, communication and problem-solving skills because every day can be different as unexpected things can always happen. How you approach a problem, be professional and know your boundaries. There will be obstacles in your duty: poor resources, unsupportive management, wrong patient to nurse ratio and lack of staff. I would say I am so proud of how versatile nurses back home are. It will make you amazed at the way they can still provide the best care regardless. Always know how to prioritize, everyone is in need and decide whom to give care first. For me, the key to survival is being familiar with your workplace because they are different areas in a hospital: emergency, ward, operating room and ICU but once you know how they do things, policies and daily tasks, you will adapt and critical thinking will be more effective and easy.
Socially. Honestly, It’s difficult. You will have to make sacrifices. I am single and still I felt this. Working on your favorite holiday, Christmas and New Year. Celebrating your birthday at work. Not going out, as I would prefer to rest and sleep. Giving care to other people, when you prefer to be at home or someone you love because you must fulfill your duty, that is it really for me. It is memorable, I met people I have inspired and inspired me.
During this time, I was blessed to have met Merril, Ems and Em I think is the right nickname according to her haha, who became my nurse/best wonderful friend. I saw a good person in her and she made me realize that true friend can be found in times of happiness and struggles. Most importantly, she strengthens my faith and continuously inspire me regardless of the time and place we are in; I am always excited to see her, we will have more coffee and bonding moments. Yes, both of us are coffee addict. My friend forever.
It would always come down to your job being unique and being a blessing because not everyone can experience being a part of preserving lives. What makes it easy though is you will never feel alone, with Him at your side and the love of your family will always be in your heart.
I will end my so-called autobiography here though it is not a proper one I think but I absolutely mean every word.
In addition, to you, thank you for reading, although I know, it will just be I who will read this haha.
Recent events in my life will be on a different page